Tuesday, May 17, 2016

never forget what you thought you'd never be

Friday, October 1, 2004 - the date of my first blog post.

If my blog was a human, it would be a seventh grader.

What has happened to me?  I thought those grey hairs in my beard were aberrations.

Don't bother trying to find that original post.  It has long since been scrubbed from the internet.

The truth is, this is my second blog, but it is the spiritual descendant of the original, if a rather censored version of it.

When I shut down Screaming Underneath, the first blog with the all too emo name (ripped directly from a Coldplay song), I wrote these words:
"I started this blog in college, when blogging was still pretty new, right around the time that facebook began. Some of the things that I wrote make me proud. Others make me cringe, although I don't think I would retract any of them.
When I started this blog, I was a bitter young man with a high opinion of my perspective but a fairly myopic outlook on life. I liked to mock and use the word "ass" as much as possible. My thoughts were of surviving a lost first "love" and figuring out my life.

In between now and then, there was a second relationship in which I used the word "love" too soon and didn't really mean it, though I fooled myself into believing it sometimes to ease the guilt. I finally grew tired of pretending to be someone else, and I ended the relationship - a big step of maturity for me. I graduated college, and I began setting my sights a little farther ahead.

Then the last and best relationship came. Lindsey and I met through this blog. I think that's why, though I could feel myself outgrowing it, I kept the blog alive. I'm sentimental. Sue me. I had learned to truly love, but I would be taught that I knew love like a toddler knows English and walking. You can't call it anything else, but it's hardly proficient. I lost my first job, which led immediately to facing some serious control and anxiety issues I had in my life. We got married, and we began our lives together in such a way that made all things prior seem but a forward to a great story. This was the hardest and best season through which you read.

I struggled for a while with how serious this blog was becoming compared to where it started, so late last year, I started a new blog for all of the serious stuff. I thought it would be my professional space and that all of the random, silly, and more fun and personal posts would return back here. It turns out that baring your soul to strangers on the internet is not so easily compartmentalized.

In a few days, I am going to delete this blog. As a pastor, I feel like it contains a few too many liabilities, dumb things I used to say (and still secretly find hilarious). I am thankful for your readership through the years. This post, though the only of 2011, marks almost seven years. Not bad."
That's where I was five years ago when I started this blog.

At that time, I still thought of myself as a pastor, which is why I've mostly watched my language here and only written about things that I felt comfortable with our church members reading or confident that it was justified in ruffling their feathers.

To be perfectly honest, I've bored myself here over the past five years.  There have been a few bright spots, but I used to take such joy in writing the absurd, unfiltered things that would spring into my mind.  It was like intellectual streaking.

Part of me wonders if this isn't one of the reasons that pastoring has never worked out for me.  I find things hilarious that I can only say in front of the"right" kind of Christians, who consequently might be the "wrong" kind of Christians (but they're certainly my favorite kind).

For as ill-advised as many of the old posts were, they were fun and brave.  They created a levity that excused, and perhaps even made endearing, my frequent sentimental oozings.

I've been sensing the need for a change here at Annoys the Dinosaur for some time now.  I'm not quite sure how things will turn out.  I hope the new result will be braver, wittier, and with a better vocabulary.

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