Monday, May 14, 2012

random acts of annoyance

photo: Abel Vilches

- I hate the way Giada talks on the food network. It's 98% normal, unaffected English. Then it's 2% pretentious Italian when she's saying "Parmesan" or "prosciutto." Plus, that amount of cleavage in the kitchen is just asking for an unfortunately splattered and permanently disfiguring grease accident.

- Can we give up the national obsession with bacon yet? Sure, it's delicious, but it definitely doesn't make everything better. Know what it doesn't improve? Acid reflux. Bacon is less fun when it makes you taste your own stomach acid all night.

- Don't ever invite me to an amusement park. They're tourist traps that leave you exhausted and broke at the end of the day. They do not amuse me in any way. Fact: I lived an hour from Disneyland for five years, never stepped foot in the place, and I am darn proud of it.

- Hats that look like animal heads are adorable on infants and toddlers. They are infuriating signs of spoiled and coddled youth when worn by teenagers.

- The retail employee who rings up your purchase at a store is a human being.  In fact, he or she is a poorly paid, ill-respected human being.  Hang up or put your call on hold when you get to their register.  Talk to them. They might be interesting, pleasant, hilarious, and/or ridiculously good-looking.

If you answer your call while in the checkout lane and fail to put it on hold when you reach the register, there is a special place in hell reserved for you.  This place is an eternal Wal-Mart line with an 80-year-old, hard-of-hearing cashier who needs a price-check on everything.  The woman in front of you has dozens of items in her basket and is an "extreme couponer."  All you want to buy is anti-diarrheal medicine, which you need urgently, and there are no other lanes open.  Whether or not you end up in this place is your choice - just remember that the next time you hit "answer."

Alright friends, unleash.  What annoys you?

1 comment:

  1. FACT: Bacon does improve everything, even acid reflux. It's really only a matter of quantity. If you still feel bad, you actually just need more bacon. ;)

    ReplyDelete

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