Saturday, May 28, 2011

strawberries: the hateful fruit

photo: Chiot's Run

Strawberries are the worst fruit ever.

Sure, they taste delicious, but other than that, what do they have going for them?

The charges against strawberries are as follows:
1. Strawberries rot too quickly.  Looking into the refrigerator for a strawberry is setting yourself up for the sight of either a nice, plump, red, and juicy treat or a hideous green-bearded monster that must first be slain and then expelled from the refrigerator before it releases its gaseous odor.

2. Strawberries come with inedible green hats.  Apparently, if ingested, partially dry or wilted strawberry leaves will induce nausea or vomiting.  Any fruit you must decapitate in order to avoid booting on the bathroom floor is untrustworthy.

Don't even think about leaving these tops in the sink for a day or two.  They turn gray and grow fuzz like they aspire to be tennis balls in the next life.

3. Strawberries are overly delicate.  Ignoring that rhubarb defies logic and decency as a pie ingredient, if you ever have the misfortune of eating strawberry rhubarb pie, just set the plate down and back away slowly.  Normally, I would never recommend anyone abandon pie for any reason, even in the case of a fire (walk in a single-file line, protect the pie, etc.).  Strawberry rhubarb pie, however, contains a minefield of overripe strawberries that implode in your mouth like a squeezed pimple instead of exploding like a delicious firework.

4. When strawberries grow too large, the begin to look like severely sunburned tushies.

As far as I am concerned, the only redeeming things about strawberries either come in the form of smoothies or milkshakes, or they come next to angel food cake, which means Lindsey's homemade whip cream is not far behind.

Which foods offend you in principle but not in taste?


  1. Sour cream. It's SOUR! Gross.

  2. Creme Fraiche. Which is sort of Lindsey's comment, but way worse. Who leaves buttermilk on the sink for 2 days, and then puts it on top of GASP- STRAWBERRIES? It's a minefield of danger.

  3. The question at the end of your post posses quite the 'cannon-drum' for me as there are many types of food I don't like but you want a food I don't like in principle.
    I would have to say goat cheese. I really enjoy goat cheese, but I don't like to think about the fact that what I am eating is basically old milk that came from a goat.
    I have had some experience with goats and they really do eat trash. They are ugly, stinky and I'm not even sure how they get milk from them. Put all that together and I would probably never would had tried it but I tasted it for the first time without knowing what it was and I had to admit it wasn't bad.

  4. Haha. At least there were no cannon-elephants this time, Jeff. :)

    Goat cheese is a good choice. It is delicious but disturbing, much like strawberries.

    Deanna, I had no idea that's how creme fraiche was made, and now I'm deeply troubled for the rest of my life.

  5. Black Pudding (AKA Blood Sausage) -tastes like a bloody nose. Very unpleasant. Normally I like sausage, just not the kind with an excessive amount of blood in it. (and who names something "Black Pudding" which is neither black nor pudding?)

  6. Wow, that sounds horrifying.


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